There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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