i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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