you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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