im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
