I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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