Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
