3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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