she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
