Cold hands, warm shart.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
