Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
