Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
