He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
