Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
