You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
