i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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