piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
