FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
