Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We left the knife in your bed.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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