She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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