Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
