u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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