Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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