My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
