i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
