I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
