why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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