my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
