I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
soo... how was my night?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
