it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
