Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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