I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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