woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
