So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
