im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Can you bring me the toilet please
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
