I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My balls are so social today.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
