once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
