One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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