He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
