my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
