is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
