Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
