my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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