took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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