Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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