I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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