My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
