What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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