im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
