dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
