True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize