Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
