I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
