You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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