he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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