Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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