I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
